TullyBBurnalot

The Mailbox - NAS Trurl Employee Teamwork-Building Initiative V-5112

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###INPUT AUTHORIZATION###

###USERNAME:### ComoJayDog

###PASSWORD:### *******************************************************************************

###PROCESSING...###

###AUTHORIZATION GRANTED. WELCOME, COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER ROBERT D. JENKINS###

###AWAITING INPUT###

###

###

###

###run announce_cyb.exe###

###WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED ANNOUNCEMENTS ARE PUNISHABLE BY DISCIPLINARY ACTION. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?###

###Y###

###CONFIRMED. PLEASE INPUT MESSAGE###

 

Hail Cyberiad, this is the Trurl here, Comms Officer Jenkins speaking.

Following the disastrous attempts at improving workplace morale via the use of mutated teddy bears animated with the latest in Bluespace technology (apologies, Captain Samuels, you'll be well remembered), the NanoTrasen Board of Directors has opted for a more... subtle method of appearing marketable approachable, and to improve general crew morale, along with... whatever "Workplace Inter-Cooperation and Teamwork Doubleplusgood" is. Pretty sure that last one's not a word.

In following with company tradition of not really wanting to waste a lot of money in things deemed "Class-3 Non-Essential Company Initiatives", they dumped the job onto me, and I frankly can't be bothered either, so when they told me to come up with something, I, being the well-beloved and attentive curator of the Cyberiad's airwaves that I am, decided to, I dunno, open a direct mailbox thing? Ask me shit and I'll spill company secrets because I'm bored.

Just don't ask me anything about the non-existent Deathsquads, I'm not allowed to talk about those anymore.

End communication.

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ntlogo.png.42f60c5c463429fe3fdd2f3557312b3b.png

                                                                                                                                                                  

A General Question
                                                                                                                                                                  


 

We're interested knowing more about the strange disturbances that have
been happening more frequently on station,  is there something about
the NSS Cyberiad that just draws all this attention?

 Is there any way to reduce these "disturbances"?

 

 


 

Sincerely,                                                                                          

                                The Anonymous Lurker in Maintenance                                                         

                                                                                                                                                                  

large_stamp-hop.png.15a9057bfd78368d4e01efb9af0ae5a0.png

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5 minutes ago, PhantasmicDream said:

We're interested knowing more about the strange disturbances that have
been happening more frequently on station,  is there something about
the NSS Cyberiad that just draws all this attention?

 Is there any way to reduce these "disturbances"?

 

 


 

Sincerely,                                                                                          

                                The Anonymous Lurker in Maintenance

A wonderful question, Mister Maintenance. Or is it Mister "in Maintenance"? Mister Lurker? Ah, who cares.

Now, before I answer that, I'm afraid I need to check if I can answer that. You see, even though company policy says I'm not supposed to be privy to a whole bunch of information that regularly flows through my workstation's console, I can't help but be a sneaky bugger and nose around places I shouldn't. Brennan's been more than happy to ignore it, so long as I don't divulge anything I'm not technically supposed to, so uh...

 

###cd auth_lvl###

###type danger_cyb_auth.txt###

###

###

###cd response_shit###

 

Alright, so, according to what I'm technically allowed to say, as far as the Board of Directors is aware, there is no known reason why the NSS Cyberiad keeps being targeted by all these "strange disturbances", which I can only assume are all the Syndicate agents you keep getting infested with, or the nerds over at the SWF. As far as anyone can tell, it's probably because:

A) It's our newest, shiniest station and these people are petty assholes;

B) Epsilon Eridani is... let's say "contested" territory and somewhat difficult to keep fully controlled. Hence why so many of you keep showing up to work with the loaded gun of Syndicate blackmail pointed at their head

Such is life when you try to slowly take over the galaxy by buying people out, it tends to generate enemies both reasonable and eldricht. This is why our insurance premiums have been going through the fucking roof in the past standard years.

Unless, of course, you're talking about the random anomalies you keep experiencing, of the gravitic or pyroclastic variety, among others; those are because we deliberately put the station in an orbit that would make it pass through multiple, prearranged pockets of Bluespace distortions, in order to, uh... it says here "facilitate the endeavors of the on-board research team".

Sorry about that, I guess?

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O’Shaw here.

 

How are changelings, agents, vampires, shadowlings and other parasites get pass Central hiring process? Are they blindly ignored and setup as tests?

Or am I going to assume that NanoTrasen is wiped out entirely and that truely the Syndicate has taken over for the better?

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Dear Officer Jenkins,

 

Why does the Cyberiad keep having so many disease issues? Most of the diseases there are highly infectious, so it’s a real pain to deal with them. However, so many incidents is too much to be coincidence. Personally, I got my vaccine for Lycancough back in Sol, so I’d like to know why I spent a good 15 minutes choking on dog hair after spitting up a corgi.

 

Also, why do so many businessmen on the Cyberiad apparently lose their minds? I work Corporate Security for NT, and the number of times I’ll see some tourist or businessmen with an otherwise clean record in my brig for Assault, Damage to Station Assets, or any number of other crimes is ridiculous! Has Nanotrasen studied the crime rates around here? I have, and they are remarkably above the averages for both the system and for human space in general. 

 

Sincerely,

Irritated Warden

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1 hour ago, Trubus said:

O’Shaw here.

 

How are changelings, agents, vampires, shadowlings and other parasites get pass Central hiring process? Are they blindly ignored and setup as tests?

Or am I going to assume that NanoTrasen is wiped out entirely and that truely the Syndicate has taken over for the better?

Ah, yes. This again.

Now, before I say anything, I should note that Section 3, Sub-Section A-15 of a standard NanoTrasen work contract reads, and I quote:

"By signing this contract, [name of employee] acknowledges that possession by, or encounters of varying damage with, hostile Xenos-class organisms shall not be held against NanoTrasen. NanoTrasen does not hold itself accountable for any incident which might result in the possession, replacement, substitution or death of [name of employee] as a result of encountering a Xeno-class organism."

We figured it was easier than spending more money in screening out shit that even our Bluespace nerds can't figure out. I mean really, vampires? And shadow creatures and shit? Fuck that, it's easier to just repair the station and clone you all from the master copies.

As for the agents thing, well, to be perfectly frank, we don't continuously screen people after we hire them unless they're involved in anything above a Class-Red Authorization Level, so a bunch of lower-level employees can, and often do, slip under the cracks when it comes to Syndicate blackmail. We do screen out people with existing connections to the Syndicate, but Class-Red notwithstanding, we're not constantly looking back.

I mean really, we have better things to do.

1 hour ago, TheMaskedReader said:

Dear Officer Jenkins,

 

Why does the Cyberiad keep having so many disease issues? Most of the diseases there are highly infectious, so it’s a real pain to deal with them. However, so many incidents is too much to be coincidence. Personally, I got my vaccine for Lycancough back in Sol, so I’d like to know why I spent a good 15 minutes choking on dog hair after spitting up a corgi.

 

Also, why do so many businessmen on the Cyberiad apparently lose their minds? I work Corporate Security for NT, and the number of times I’ll see some tourist or businessmen with an otherwise clean record in my brig for Assault, Damage to Station Assets, or any number of other crimes is ridiculous! Has Nanotrasen studied the crime rates around here? I have, and they are remarkably above the averages for both the system and for human space in general. 

 

Sincerely,

Irritated Warden

Ah, yes, hello Mister Warden. We apologize for your job existing, but it's cheaper than using proper surveillance and modern jailing techniques.

As for your first question, I'm going to have to defer to something the eggheads over in Virology cooked up; I'm not a microbiologist, so I'll defer to people who claim to be.

###cd medi_shit###

###cd viro_stuff###

###type virus_viral_mutat.doc###

###

###

###cd response_shit###

Alright, so, what it says here is that the viral strains that normally plague not only the Cyberiad but also other installations with a similar number of individuals can be attributed to a few factors:

A) We routinely ship people from all around the galaxy to work together, increasing the probability that one of them might be carriers for an hitherto unknown strain of a known viral agent, and increasing the number of vectors for existing strains to mutate across. It doesn't help we also keep hiring species with substandard hygiene habits, like the goddamn chickens Vox;

B) The station is constantly bombarded by radiation that is often strong enough to break through standard shielding, hence the whole rad alert thing and reinforced maintenance tunnels. Remember: radiation + time = shitty mutations;

C) Virology exists. Even our own eggheads are scared of the shit they're allowed to do

Moral of the story is: eat healthy.

As for the second one, well... to be honest, we've stopped screening for mental imbalance years ago; it's why we just give psychiatrists a cubicle that's smaller than the Janitor's closet and don't even provide for psychoactive medication. Sure, it makes crime rates shoot through the roof, but if you look at the bigger, galactic picture, it... honestly becomes cheaper to just let that happen rather than going through the hoops of ensuring mental well-being. I mean really, why do you think we give you so many cells to work with? It ain't for decoration!

So, keep on keeping on, brig those fuckers, knock 'em on the ass a couple of times, and call it a day. Make sure to flag them on the records too, so we know who to assign to Janitorial duty.

Edited by TullyBBurnalot
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Hey Jenkins honey,

It's your mommy! How are you, sweetie? You've remembered to change your underwear every day, right? I hope you've been showering, your record shows you haven't seen a shower stall in over three months!

Have you been eating? Unit is aware you stopped eating when you went over 300 pounds, but do remember that three meals a day is very important!

How's work? How's that coworker 'Rose' doing? I know you had the biggest crush on her! Man up and ask her out already! I want grandkids!

-Jenkins mommy

 

===This message was broadcast throughout several NT-owned stations. The original recipient's name is unknown.===

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5 minutes ago, Spacemanspark said:

Hey Jenkins honey,

It's your mommy! How are you, sweetie? You've remembered to change your underwear every day, right? I hope you've been showering, your record shows you haven't seen a shower stall in over three months!

Have you been eating? Unit is aware you stopped eating when you went over 300 pounds, but do remember that three meals a day is very important!

How's work? How's that coworker 'Rose' doing? I know you had the biggest crush on her! Man up and ask her out already! I want grandkids!

-Jenkins mommy

 

===This message was broadcast throughout several NT-owned stations. The original recipient's name is unknown.===

###cd incoming_messages###

###del honeybuns.txt###

###cd incoming_messages###

###rmdir incoming_messages###

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No matter what, it appears that the inbox is now filled with these messages; several stations now demanding answers as to why Jenkins' mother is constantly pestering them with the same inquiries.

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15 minutes ago, Spacemanspark said:

No matter what, it appears that the inbox is now filled with these messages; several stations now demanding answers as to why Jenkins' mother is constantly pestering them with the same inquiries.

Oh, for the love o-

Sigh...

###cd emergency_measures###

###WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO FOLDER IS PUNISHABLE BY SUMMARY APPLICATION OF FORCE BY ON-SITE SECURITY FORCES. INPUT AUTHORIZATION###

###USERNAME:### ComoJayDog

###PASSWORD:### *******************************************************************************

###AUTHORIZATION GRANTED###

###run klapaucius_reset.exe###

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

###RESET SUCCESSFUL. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE###

Edited by TullyBBurnalot

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*fax machine printing a message*

From: NT Representative office fax machine

To: NAS Trurl Communication office fax machine

Subject: Hello

Hey guys, it is blueshield Swarner. I had to use fax, without nt rep knowing, since the situation is kind of bad. I have to stand on bridge for hours, in front of many people staring at me, and i dont look good enough.... I need a katana on my back, you know.... Like a true warrior i am. Bluespace teleport me one please.

May the swag be with you.

Yours sincerely,

Blueshield Marcus Swarner

 

[Sign]

*granted stamp*

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Hihi Jenkins!

Is Krichahka here, and is was many wondering why is not heard from Comms Officer Peggy so many time ago! Station voxxies is missing the timings when Vox Opera was blastinged through station radios and is just itching to getting claws on an autographed Peggy-mixtape.

If she is having retiringed, is it was planninged to get a "token vox employee" for diversities? Is a many efficient morale improvement with using notmany budget!

 

Also, speakings of budgets... Is a while since definetly-friendly-definetly-trader kin Skipjacks showed up. Any newses from that? Is really wantinged to get claws on voxxy armor, since is many comfy to wear. Don't getting voxxy wrong, the hardsuiting you provides more-or-less fitting, but is can tell that is was designinged by a treeless skrek who only sawinged a voxxy anatomy on "Vox Gone Wild" magazine.

Many thankings for answer in advance!

Krichahka

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6 hours ago, TheClosetMailman said:

Hello, i would like the nuke authorization codes, a gun and a cookie. 

Sincerely- Nukie

ERT Gallia-3 dispatched to location.

Please stand by.

 

6 hours ago, McRamon said:

*fax machine printing a message*

From: NT Representative office fax machine

To: NAS Trurl Communication office fax machine

Subject: Hello

Hey guys, it is blueshield Swarner. I had to use fax, without nt rep knowing, since the situation is kind of bad. I have to stand on bridge for hours, in front of many people staring at me, and i dont look good enough.... I need a katana on my back, you know.... Like a true warrior i am. Bluespace teleport me one please.

May the swag be with you.

Yours sincerely,

Blueshield Marcus Swarner

 

[Sign]

*granted stamp*

Instructions unclear, hopefully a 3D-printed pair of safety scissors should be enough? Did you lose your gun again?

 

6 hours ago, lizardzsi said:

Hihi Jenkins!

Is Krichahka here, and is was many wondering why is not heard from Comms Officer Peggy so many time ago! Station voxxies is missing the timings when Vox Opera was blastinged through station radios and is just itching to getting claws on an autographed Peggy-mixtape.

If she is having retiringed, is it was planninged to get a "token vox employee" for diversities? Is a many efficient morale improvement with using notmany budget!

 

Also, speakings of budgets... Is a while since definetly-friendly-definetly-trader kin Skipjacks showed up. Any newses from that? Is really wantinged to get claws on voxxy armor, since is many comfy to wear. Don't getting voxxy wrong, the hardsuiting you provides more-or-less fitting, but is can tell that is was designinged by a treeless skrek who only sawinged a voxxy anatomy on "Vox Gone Wild" magazine.

Many thankings for answer in advance!

Krichahka

Ah, yes, Peggy.

... Peggy.

I'm ever so happy to report that, due to outstanding work ethic and general operational efficiency, dearest Comms Officer Peggy has been reassigned away from this shithole promoted to a position as Diplomatic Liaison with the Sol Trade Consortium. Something about wanting to capitalize on "cultural propensities for trade" or whatever. I'll make sure to relay this wonderful message and totally get an autographed mixtape from our dearest mutual friend.

Also no, we're not currently hiring anyone for "diversity", we already brought a batch of soap-munchers Drask on-board and have been having fun seeing how many of them make it through the selection process.

As for the random skipjack crews that tended to show up, you are aware that the only reason they did was because they somehow managed to skirt through our defense grid, right? All it took was our Bluespace nerds getting their hands on one of their ships and reverse-engineering their engine drive to block them off from approaching our installations without proper authorization. Something about "improved filtering" tech, whatever that is.

To compensate, I've enclosed the full collection of "Vox Gone Wild" holovids in a physical flash drive and mailed it over to your registered address (Supply Closet BA-1422, right?). Hopefully it'll make up for the lack of dearest Peggy.

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Hey, why hire kleptomaniac spess birds that are barely even half the height of a human? 

And considering their obvious loyalty to their arkship brethren, even making them captain or other command positions? 

-Sincerely, a unruly spacer with the wrong spanish name. 

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1 hour ago, TheClosetMailman said:

Hey, why hire kleptomaniac spess birds that are barely even half the height of a human? 

And considering their obvious loyalty to their arkship brethren, even making them captain or other command positions? 

-Sincerely, a unruly spacer with the wrong spanish name. 

Company policy requires that I not answer this in accordance with my personal beliefs, so have an excerpt of the leaflet I get every time I get sent to a Species Sensitivity Seminar:

###cd useless_stuff###

###type speciesm_bollocks_leaflet.doc###

###

###

###

"We here at NanoTrasen are happy to use our vast resources to facilitate intra-species cooperation and cultural exchange, via our revolutionary Post-Progressive Employee Vetting mechanism, guaranteed to maximize both worker efficiency and species diversity in the workplace!

NanoTrasen is not liable for any racially-motivated incidents that may arise as a result of this process."

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1 hour ago, TullyBBurnalot said:

Company policy requires that I not answer this in accordance with my personal beliefs, so have an excerpt of the leaflet I get every time I get sent to a Species Sensitivity Seminar:

###cd useless_stuff###

###type speciesm_bollocks_leaflet.doc###

###

###

###

"We here at NanoTrasen are happy to use our vast resources to facilitate intra-species cooperation and cultural exchange, via our revolutionary Post-Progressive Employee Vetting mechanism, guaranteed to maximize both worker efficiency and species diversity in the workplace!

NanoTrasen is not liable for any racially-motivated incidents that may arise as a result of this process."

Woah! 

This is useless! 

Burns the digital leaflet, somehow

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Message from: S. Shesikor.

Message to: Comms Officer Jenkins.

Message Title: Raise request (34th message)

Message Content:

Hello Sir! I was wondering if you were able to see my previous 33 messages concerning my request to ask the Accounting department about raising my pay, since they have blocked off my messages, Sir.

I know the company is a bit strapped in resources, Sir, but 3 steaks a hour is starting to not cut it out for me.

As a side note, is it true that people get paid in credits?

Thank you for your time, Sir.

Sincerely,

Skakreshss Shesikor.

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Internal Office Memo 3324572:

Message To: Comms Officer Jenkins:

Message Sender: Asset Protection - Novus Lem

Message Title: What the fuck happened to hyperzine

Message Body:

Jenkins, if I find you're holding out on the last hyperzine stash in the galaxy I will sell your organs to the Vox, kill you, clone you, and repeat this until they have so many organs their ships will be made out of your goddamn kidneys you understand? What the fuck happened to all the hyperzine and why are you not delivering coffee to my office anymore you better not be using company resources to chat with those shitkicker losers we quarantine from functional stations by putting them on the cyberiad. I know I know, they're the only ones impressed with your "comms officer" title, but if we wanted you to have self esteem then we would order you to rather than using one of your clones for a pinata. 

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2 hours ago, bryanayalalugo said:

Message from: S. Shesikor.

Message to: Comms Officer Jenkins.

Message Title: Raise request (34th message)

Message Content:

Hello Sir! I was wondering if you were able to see my previous 33 messages concerning my request to ask the Accounting department about raising my pay, since they have blocked off my messages, Sir.

I know the company is a bit strapped in resources, Sir, but 3 steaks a hour is starting to not cut it out for me.

As a side note, is it true that people get paid in credits?

Thank you for your time, Sir.

Sincerely,

Skakreshss Shesikor.

I'm not the Accounting Department, and even if I wasn't, I probably wouldn't have the authorization to give anyone a raise, since I'd do that to myself and end up demoted back to, I dunno, Basic Bureaucrat Class-1 or something.

Pack of "Haggis"-brand chewing gum has been sent in the mail as compensation.

Also yes, you do get paid in the standard galactic currency that is the Space Credit.

2 hours ago, necaladun said:

Internal Office Memo 3324572:

Message To: Comms Officer Jenkins:

Message Sender: Asset Protection - Novus Lem

Message Title: What the fuck happened to hyperzine

Message Body:

Jenkins, if I find you're holding out on the last hyperzine stash in the galaxy I will sell your organs to the Vox, kill you, clone you, and repeat this until they have so many organs their ships will be made out of your goddamn kidneys you understand? What the fuck happened to all the hyperzine and why are you not delivering coffee to my office anymore you better not be using company resources to chat with those shitkicker losers we quarantine from functional stations by putting them on the cyberiad. I know I know, they're the only ones impressed with your "comms officer" title, but if we wanted you to have self esteem then we would order you to rather than using one of your clones for a pinata.

I apologize profusely, Mister Lem, but as per your current status as a Class-[REDACTED] Priority Person of Interest, I am not allowed to know you exist.

In addition, even if I had a stash of hyperzine, which I don't, I would be forbidden by Galactic Mandate 35.112, "Concerning Matters of Health" from either owning, creating and/or distributing the substance known as hyperzine, which I don't, can't and don't have any of the substance to, respectively.

Finally, I should note that by contacting me via an internal office memo, you are in violation of NanoTrasen's Intra-Corporation Secrecy Protocol BTA-2112, and as such, I will be forced to send a strongly-worded letter to your supervisor, the name of which I am also not allowed to disclose that I am aware of, which I'm not.

In short: suck my dick, Novus.

Edited by TullyBBurnalot

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Hi there,

What are the clown and mime service job slots on a state-of-the-art plasma research station even for? Definitely not to boost morale. If anything, they just prove a hassle.

Sincerely, [sign]

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Internal Office Memo:
 

Message To: Comms Officer Jenkins

Message Sender: A.L.I.C.E. DONOTREPLY

Message Title: Appointment Reminder

Message Body:

This is a reminder of your upcoming scheduled surgery training program, which you were randomly selected for. 

You will be fulfilling the following role: Patient.

As per section 445C of your contract, attendance is mandatory.

Your surgeon-in-training will be: Steve.

 

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On 2/9/2019 at 3:22 AM, Threeinone said:

Hi there,

What are the clown and mime service job slots on a state-of-the-art plasma research station even for? Definitely not to boost morale. If anything, they just prove a hassle.

Sincerely, [sign]

Greetings, Mister [Sign]

Now, personally, I don't really understand why either, and if you ask me, it's just political maneuvering by NanoTrasen to avoid stepping on further toes after the unmitigated disaster that was our intervention in the Third Great Clown-Mime War (the one that ended in us burying the Throne of the Honkmother under several layers of radioactive waste following orbital bombardment). While the details were never made public, one can only guess mimes and clowns are allowed in for the sake of not provoking yet another war.

Obviously, if you ask anyone from the company what the real reason is, they'll give you some spiel about clowns and mimes just being regular folks who chose a less orthodox career in entertainment, but we all know how true that is, don't we?

 

On 2/9/2019 at 5:15 AM, necaladun said:

Internal Office Memo:
 

Message To: Comms Officer Jenkins

Message Sender: A.L.I.C.E. DONOTREPLY

Message Title: Appointment Reminder

Message Body:

This is a reminder of your upcoming scheduled surgery training program, which you were randomly selected for. 

You will be fulfilling the following role: Patient.

As per section 445C of your contract, attendance is mandatory.

Your surgeon-in-training will be: Steve.

###cd comp_schedules###

###cd med_schedules###

###type jenkins_med_schedule.txt###

###

###

###

Oh, goddamnit.

###cd comp_schedules###

###rmdir med_schedules###

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Message To: CENTRAL COMMAND

Message Sender: TOODLES

Message Title: HELLO CENTRAL COMMAND ITS ME TOODLES!

Message Body:

HELLO CENTRAL COMMAND, 

Its me Toodles! I managed to sneak my way into the Internal Affairs Office and the Fax machine was still logged in. How are you guys doing over there? 

I have a question of the most importance importance that it had to go straight to the Central Command! I cannot bug our Captain with this, nono. 

I hope you guys are the right people to ask the question to, but if not try to answer it anyway okay? 

 

OH before I forgot! I have to say that I think the Clown should have access to those cool new DONK Machineguns! I have no idea where they come from, can I even buy them? 

I would love to buy them using some of the money I make on the uh... CiyberYiad! Phew, hard to write that thing. Pieces of paper are so old. We should make those little drone technology more advanced and have direct communication chips in our brain! That would be c... 

 

Sorry I digress - I had this important message to all of you, and I just need to find the paperclips. Ah yes, here found them!

Can I be captain? Like... just for one or two shifts. 

I would do it for free! What do you guys say? 

 

TOODLELOO - HAVE A NICE DAY. 

 

 

(OOC: I am so sorry, but this is in character ><)

Edited by Xerdies
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Dear Mr. Jenkins,

 

Sorry to write you again, but two more things. First off, why the hell do we allow smoking on the Cyberiad? We explicitly work with plasma! 

 

Second, why do we even ALLOW civilians on-station at all beyond tours? This is a critical mining and research facility, why can tourists just come in and take a gander, allowing the Syndicate to steal valuable research and experimental materials! 

Sincerely,

Irritated Warden

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