ZN23X

Tales from Shitcurity.

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I got less salty and decided to try to play sec. It is awful. Engies sometimes are worthless fucks who grab a hardsuit and fuck off to do reform the old bar or something and never do any work. Sometimes they can't fix an APC, or find power problems. Not sure if secies are worse, or if it's just more impactful.

So yesterday start shift HoP calls sec to line cuz clown won’t get out of line. I go there, drag the clown, but his id is still on the table. People won't let me pass through them to get it, but after some time me and HoP managed to get the guy in front of the line to throw it out, and get the id back to clown. While this happens HoS shows up. Clown them proceeds back into the line and pass in front of a guy who was there. He don't let the guy back into his rightful place, so guy disarm drop him and take his place. HoS doesn't like that so he stunbattons the guy and pulls him out of line. The two start arguing and the guy punch HoS in the groin once. HoS stunbattons the guy again, and cuff him, but do not drag him, so the guy leaves. HoS them send me after him.

I get the guy and bring him to processing. HoS search him, finds a crowbar, says he's gonna take the crowbar and put the guy in for 204 (possession of a weapon) in addition to the attack. Magistrate is there and says crowbar is not a weapon and we can’t take it unless he used to break in or something. HoS grumbles but accepts it. Magistrate said he could brig him for the other offences, without asking exactly what happened. So HoS puts the guy in for 15 min. I can't fucking keep quiet anymore, so I ask HoS what's the guy charge. He says it's 302 (assault of an officer). I say: the guy punched you once, that's barely battery. Magistrate them start to ask what happened, and Warden comes in too, so HoS can't just pull rank without explaining the situation, he grumbly changes the timer to 5 min for battery. 

So a perfectly harmless situation, guy dropping clown cutting line, was escalated by the HoS into an attack, and he tried to steal the guys shit and brig him for possibly 25 minutes for this shit.

Next shift the HoS hires a shaft miner from pop. Right after the guy get his documents but before he gives them to HoP a girl on the radio calls him attacking her in the garden. I set him to arrest. Someone might think this raised some red flags, but no. Whoever arrested and processed him said we had no evidence of anything happening, and the guy was sec for the whole shift. I bet no one even tried to talk with the girl I named in the arrest notes. So end of the shift IAA calls him attacking him, he denies over radio, but shuttle is on his way, I set him to arrest again but nothing happens. Guy was taitor tot obviously. Also another guy I set to arrest twice, who the RD for some reason was trying to beg sec to arrest but no one listened was in custody twice, left the last time when shuttle was docking and threw a fucking top secret folder on the trash of sec lobby. Also traitor tot. 

Also for some reason everybody kept asking why he was set to arrest the second time. Even thou I had answered already in comms and it was in the fucking notes I put there when I set him to arrest. Maybe they were thinking someone forgot to set the guy to clear or something, but you can just check the history and see clearly he was set to arrest for a reason, cleared, and then set to arrest for another reason. For some reason when Warden called me into processing to talk about the guy a gun from a completely different crime that I had put in evidence was there and warden was asking the guy about it. The fucking items related to this guy crimes were named in the arrest notes and were also in evidence. 

Also in this shift I heard in comms a guy was trying to turn himself in. I go to the brig and it’s a cuffed eng and the CE, the eng was beepskied and decided to come to the brig voluntarily to see what’s wrong. Even thou some secs pass by and see it, no one does a thing. So I drag him to processing and go on my merry way. After some time, I pass by processing and the guy’s still there. Warden is also there but it’s arguing with the pod pilot if he can have the teleport gun we had in evidence. Pod pilot says HoS let him take it, Warden says this is against SOP, but he’ll let him if HoS confirms on comms. HoS is silent on comms and the discussion continue. So even thou I’m detective I process the guy, interview him, and cut him loose.

I think it’s ok to fuck up. I clearly fucked up in a lot of ways in these first rounds as sec. But at least the warden the HoS should be competent, or at least not outright malicious. Sec can get very crazy sometimes, but that’s why we really need someone to manage communication efficiently. And sec officers can be authoritarian dicks, and that’s why we need someone who tries to apply the law instead of fucking people over. If Warden and/or HoS are not up to the job sec fails completely. (I think this is also a difference between engies and secies. Engies can work really well without a CE. One or two good engies/atmos can carry the station if need be most shifts, even thou repairs will take longer. Sec is a completely different story.)

Edited by Calecute
Rephrasing
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Oh boy, I finally have a story for this thread, even if it's kind of short.

So, I decided to play my grey Seven in science for a round. Everything's going good, it's a rather quiet round for me so far. Then we get spiders. I start walking around welding vents and stuff, and come across a spider in experimentor that's standing there trying to attack a wall because it can't get to me, so I just stand there and stare at it for a moment.
Another scientist walks up with a monkey and suggests feeding the monkey to the spider, and I decide to humor him, so I point to the door and he opens it, so the spider immediately attacks me. We manage to kill it, but being a fragile grey, I die as a result of it.
And here's where the shitcurity comes in; the scientist who was with me drags me to medical through genetics, to get me to cryo, but another doc momentarily steals my corpse and scans me in the cloner, then the guy continues to drag me out of cloning to cryogenics where a random sec officer cuffs my corpse while they're trying to defib me.
Then I pop out of cloning, naked and confused, and a doc lets me out, so I immediately notice my second body in the cryo pod and scream. I walk over to cryo to try to get my body back, and the officer from earlier attempts to cuff me despite the fact I've very obviously just gotten out of cloning. Doesn't even try to give me a chance to get some clothes on. He fires disablers at me but I run and hide behind the other people in cryo until my body pops out of the pod, at which point I drag it away to cloning so I can get dressed.
The officer, of course, follows me and tries to arrest me AGAIN while I'm trying to get dressed. I can't exactly talk fast to him because I only speak wingdings, so I just back away repeatedly while putting all my clothes back on and dragging around my second body, which is alive because it was defibbed.
Then... As I'm getting all my stuff, the officer harmbatons my second body, cuffs it, and drags it off to the brig, and it dies soon after. He doesn't even seem to realise he's arrested the wrong person, let alone the fact I followed him all the way to the brig. Or the fact there's two of me.
I decide to chill in processing while the officer "processes" my corpse, and then the warden shows up, and the officer tells them that the HOP thinks I'm a changeling, and then starts punching my corpse a few times. I telepathically explain to the warden that the officer arrested my corpse instead of me, and that they have no reason to think I was a changeling. So the warden tells the officer he arrested a corpse, and then says to let me go. The officer never even seemed to realise he arrested the wrong body...

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@Sampaiii I was the warden that round, and dear lord was that shift a headache. From a rogue IAA, to suspected changelings not actually being changelings. Thankfully, the Magistrate, Hon. Han Sprite, helped keep my sanity.

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On ‎13‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 12:16 AM, Chronarch said:

@Sampaiii I was the warden that round, and dear lord was that shift a headache. From a rogue IAA, to suspected changelings not actually being changelings. Thankfully, the Magistrate, Hon. Han Sprite, helped keep my sanity.

All in a days work,

Tales From Shitcurity Post 1#:

The Security Department had the following personnel,

  • 1 Detective.
  • 7 Officers.
  • 1 Warden.
  • 1 Head of Security.
  • 1 Brig Physician

11 Security Personnel, not including a Blueshield. The Head of Security, knowing his numbers, decided to recruit the Clown, a Mime who talked, a paroled Traitor into the Security Department. Low and behold, the Mime and Clown were traitors. And the paroled Traitor managed to get his objectives completed - which was to assassinate the Head of Security. 

I find adding to the Security Personnel when there is 1 Officer, is fine. But when it is maxed? Naaaah man.

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Wizard Round -

Walking down corridor from arrivals, about 5 mins into the shift.

Pop goes the wizzy who walks past me and fireballs me - first casualty of the round.

Still alive, but burning and screaming, fading and going into critical. See a sec officer walking up, I think, 'Phew, some help... maybe he can get me to medbay qui... wait, why am I being brought to security...'

At this point, I'm unable to talk. Still alive though, and on fire. Get brought to processing while the coms are going mad with 'Wizard attack in cargo! Hurry!"

Sec officer buckles me to a chair in processing - still on fire. At this point, I died.

Warden comes in, see's the burning corpse strapped to a chair, and after a few seconds of wondering WTF, he puts me out. The other sec officer goes, "O... he's dead."

It takes a further 5 minutes for me to get dragged to medical...

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On 2/16/2018 at 11:28 PM, Lurapa said:

11 Security Personnel, not including a Blueshield. The Head of Security, knowing his numbers, decided to recruit the Clown, a Mime who talked, a paroled Traitor into the Security Department. Low and behold, the Mime and Clown were traitors. And the paroled Traitor managed to get his objectives completed - which was to assassinate the Head of Security. 

I find adding to the Security Personnel when there is 1 Officer, is fine. But when it is maxed? Naaaah man.

It led to the death of the HOS which is hilarious. This is why I dont mind hiring fromthe crew from time to time in sec. Its super meta to be like "I cant hire from the crew cuz they might be an antag." If they go about asking for the job right, interview em and hire em, see if something interesting happens.

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My tales of incompetence and failed role play.

1. Being arrested for assaulting an officer. By this I mean walking into one with an intent that makes me push him.

2. Being arrested for assaulting an officer. By that I mean running up to one and yelling "STOP! RANDO SERCHO!" Then accusing them of being a enemy of the corporation when they start to ask me what the hell I'm doing.

3. Getting harmed with the stun baton as a mute for taking off my cuffs to point at paper. Not running or even moving, just sitting... pointing at paper.

4. Going to up the Brig to turn myself in just to be attacked when trying to say "I'm here to turn myself in." I kinda get this one, but it was green and I think standard operating procedures say something about using words.

5. NO ONE IN SECURITY EVER TALKING. Please just take the time to hear me out. I get it! I just turned the mime into meat and ate him, but I still have my side of the story after all!

6. Being put in prison for hitting a dead animal with a baseball bat.

7. Myself any and all times I try to work in the security department.

8. Being forced off a meat spike when I'm in crit, begging for them to stop.

9. "SPIDER IN HEAD OF SECURITY'S OFFICE!" I like to hear this since I did the exact thing my first time in the Brig.

ON THE OTHER HAND SOME GOOD SECURITY THINGS I HAVE SEEN ARE.

1. Letting me shower when covered in blood.

2. Respectfully waking up to me in red and asking for me to come to the Brig with them. No cuffs or anything. I get that this one can be a good way to die as a security officer but it made my day when it happened.

3. Getting me smokes, Food, and drinks when asking for them. Karma for you good sir.

4. I once asked for 26 hugs and I got all 26.

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A few rounds back last week, I remember this officer doing his own thing. First time was when I crossed them stripping the mime down in the prisoner-locker room; and they told me not to interfere when I thought the mime invisi-walled them. Anyway, they said that they were doing it on 'HoS orders'. So, okay. I go back out on patrol.

Soon we get a call about acid peels. Okay, we deal with the clown fast enough. Then I hear calls to arrest that officer in particular. I ask if they warned them first, and they did. The officer was going around, slipping everyone with acid peels. ...Okay? So the guy's near me, I taze and cuff him, drag him to processing.

He starts complaining to high hell. The flyboy comes along and tries to talk sense into him, that he's not a clown, that these peels hurt. Result: Shitcurity was spammed 40, 50 times, and he SSDs. Then later we stop the mime from [justly] suicidin' themselves, we find out that no, the HoS didn't tell him to perma the mime for...trespassing.

That guy...that's the epitome of shitcurity, so far as I've seen it. There are the guys who love rules, the guys who think antags are terrible people, but this guy? Pure shit.

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Two scientist tresspased into Gateway. Officer went after them. Scientists returned and said that officer died. Rescue team with HoS and one officer(me). I found EMP spellbook and I used it, but I died becouse of my mechanical heart. HoS pulled my dead body to other room, NPC morph atacked him, he started running around untill he died from wounds. Original officer's body was not present in gateway...

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I both love and hate how this thread has turned away from its original purpose of people sharing unique experiences from sec to mostly just reading the title and sharing stories about actual shitcurity.

My tounge in cheek title coming back to bite me XD

Edited by ZN23X
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Although not in relation to Paradise at all, this happened on my second playthrough on Aurorastation. Wanted to try out a heavy RP server for awhile now, and figured I try out Aurora before I check out Bay12.

Now usually, I don't have a problem with Sec on Paradise, because anything that does pop up that I might have a legit issue with, could get resolved via the IAA/Magistrate, or if unavailable, then ahelp normally solves the problem.

And I can see now that this might be a recurring problem on servers like Aurora, where IAA/Magistrate roles are non-existent or not played at all, and you have to rely on admin presence to deal with the issue.

So when my  character gets put away in a cell for 35 minutes without formally being charged with anything and just 'wordlessly' thrown into a cell, I'm left with complete disappointment rather than anything else, and on a heavy RP server I'd expect some layer of roleplay to be involved, but didn't even get the basics.

And what dastardly crime did I do to get put away for 35 minutes?

I used a cleaning grenade and slipped up two officers in an attempt to rescue a fellow revolutionary. My slipping didn't yield much results sadly, and I was tazed, and battered to the point that my right arm was bleeding, despite not offering any resistance. They didn't even know if I was part of the same group but they could have safely assumed as much by my actions, but not a single word was actually uttered at me or indirectly during all of this, and I was thrown into a cell wounded.

Having quickly reviewed their space law regulations, nothing I had done would have condoned that sentence. So I ahelped it...

I got nothing in response, and my ticket was eventually closed, again, without a response.

I didn't actually have to spend a full 35 minutes in jail because about 15 minutes later, a gang of fellow revolutionaries show up to rescue me, but failed in the process.. and from then on, I'm dragged around by the CAPTAIN cuffed and bleeding out.

Heavy RP my ass!

Edited by Xyd
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I once had an security officer as my personal bodyguard because of a fake CC fax I made.

When going to the bar he didn't let me drink or smoke since Jessica is 17.

This both made my round and my day.

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On 4/27/2018 at 5:12 PM, Benjaminfallout said:

Jessica is 17

What was your role again? *angry-eyes*

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So, I decided to make the mistake of playing as Magistrate. It was all chill, not really getting into security's way, but helped out here and there and tried getting involved, like giving a prisoner, who was about to be executed via a firing squad, the permission to stand as he was about to be executed. Hell I even went and fetched him a blindfold and bought a cigarette.

Suddenly, captain calls me to the bridge, and shoves a fax message in my face, that basically says that command and security are incompetent and that ERT should be called to purge them; it had a stamp, it was written in my name (and of a IAA who I haven't met, but was on the manifest), but naturally, it wasn't signed. So I headed to the IAA office, and /surprise/ there was the original message that was faxed, and an automatic response from CC. Well, it was either the other IAA who was messing about, or something else was up. I called the detective who scanned the papers aaaaand... we got a name.

Not too surprisingly, that name was on several cell logs, with the crime being of breaking into places, and currently ,said person was punching himself in a cell, until restrained, and kept shouting to kill ourselves, and that we are stealing his shit. He even started punching when second he go out of cuffs, and when I accused him of the fax messages, he naturally denied it. I showed him the detective's scanner reports, that had his prints on it. I was told to kill myself. The IAA's ID was discovered then, which was in his PDA (security failed to notice it before). Then he suddenly turned catatonic, to be stuffed to cryo.

Well. I guess it was a better experience than just spamming my gavel on the bridge, but damn. Sometimes I wonder what sort of people are behind these sort of 'characters'.

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Tales of Shitcurity:

"Assault" with a "Deadly Weapon"
(The tale of Hairgrownium spray)

There once was a man with a curse,
That made him think hair was adverse.
He tased a man's ass
Then stunned him, (no class!)
And now he writes home from a hearse.

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Tales of GOODcurity:

Instant Karma

So there was this one greytider a while back who was just randomly breaking shit in cargo. Before anyone could call sec to cargo, a passing officer just nonchalantly tased the tider before he could break in all the way, cuffed him, told him to sort his shit out, then dragged him to the brig.

Red Handed (Literally!)

Traitors. Usually the chief cause of death to an officer. This time, however, was different. A traitor was dragging me into maint, and i screamed over and over due to lack of a headset. Not even three seconds after I was killed, which was very soon after i was dragged screaming into maint, two officers cornered the traitor on either side of the narrow tunnel. The traitor was captured, the paramedic was called, and I was cloned.

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On 6/4/2018 at 7:25 AM, Bxil said:

What was your role again? *angry-eyes*

Assistant. I don't do important jobs with her due to my incompendence. That and I don't think younger characters should play roles like that.

Edited by Benjaminfallout

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Hunter gets tossed and he drops his cuffs, I pick them up and no one noticed. Squishy and I watch from the holodeck as this guy just repeatedly batons Justin. Doesn't try to do anything but baton because he only had one pair of cuffs. We continue to watch as Justin gets up and throws him again. We watch this play out for a while, Hunter getting up and batonning/poking with it off. We disarm him a few times and a Vox hides the baton behind a shower curtain.

Next his wife Kashlee/The HoS shows up and starts running around trying to baton him, David shows up too.So David, Squishy, and myself sort of just sit and watch the fuckery ensue. Hunter tries to flashbang him and the flashbang just gets tossed off screen. Justin disguises himself as a potted plant and runs around undetected while the pair search EVERYWHERE for him. It took them a solid 3 minutes to figure out Justin was the plant. At that point Hunter harmbatons Justin THEN harmbatons himself.

At that point Kashlee thinks that Justin harmbatoned him so she brings out an e-gun. Runs around really slowly after him. Justin then hides in a locker undetected until he pops out and starts lazertagging them with the red lazers. KASHLEE THEN STARTS FIRING LETHALS. Eventually they give up and walk off. Later on Kashlee shows up again, another officer had given me a large banana peel. Kashlee just tazes Justin out of fucking no where and I slip her and steal her cuffs. I have two pairs of cuffs now. Kashlee then thought one of us stole her gun because she fucking put it in her backpack.

She starts chasing us with a baton. Gets slipped. Dunno who took the baton.
Think the clown did. So now she has no baton and no cuffs, and thinks her gun is gone.
Why she only had one pair of cuffs idek. So she starts grabbing Justin 'Come with me and your sentence will be reduced.' We're all just laughing our asses off at this point, eventually they stop and talk. She had literally no idea that Justin hadn't beaten Hunter and that Hunter had hit himself. The whole time she was after Justin he thought he assaulted him.

That gets resolved. Later on apparently she made beepsky go after him. Sean Carr see's this and decides to loltaze him. Of course Sean hits, gets slipped, and I take his cuffs too. Now I have three pairs of cuffs. Sean then chases after Justin and uses all his tazer ammo and gets slipped again. No clue who took the tazer. Instead of bringing out his baton Sean starts punching Justin. So we sort of just sit there slipping him and watching him shitcurity around. The actual officer that was decent sort of just walked off to do...idk. Eventually we're in the sec hallway after Sean chased him punching him. I slip him and cuff him and he gets dragged around for a while. Warden soon shows up and tries to flashbang us, twice, and fails. It took 4 people and 2 flashbangs to retrieve Sean. Sean later beats Justin in processing.

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I remember when I was HoS I had just dealt with a prisoner and I go into my office to do one thing. I go over to me spider but... I forgot my intent was to harm so instead of petting him I hit him. It took half of security including me who ended up with a broken leg. And then it took about half the shift to determine if I had damaged station property In the end I think the IAA finally gave up wrote a report and CC fucked me over with the final say in our problem.

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I was everyone's favorite Cargonia Chadwick Dunlop, except I was IAA. I managed to get the Captain, myself, and the Clown all fired in one fax to CC. After some loafing around and loitering in front of HoP (30 minutes of loitering, turns out HoP was also fired by CC in an unrelated incident, so we had no Captain, or Acting Captain, and no one to make ID's for the next person on Chain of Command, so eventually NTrep was made Acting Captain by CC) I got demoted, and got another greytider to go into the gateway with me. Acting Captain tells me that, since I'm mind-shielded, I'm to do the NSS Cyberiad proud, and act in NT interests.

We storm the gateway armed with sec provided laser guns, shoot some Russians, loot some bodies, etc. Usual gateway stuff. I get a cargo crate and start dragging it around. I bust open all the sec lockers gateway side and suit up in full security gear, before getting shot by a Russian and stumbling back to the station, then getting picked up by the paramedic. I was revived, and I went straight back. I get shot again as the shuttle comes in to dock, and stumble back out of the gateway with punctured lungs. As I step out the gateway room door, I notice half the bloody station seems to be gone. A lone vox atmos tech sees me, says he'll take me to an escape pod. He asks me about the security gear, in which I reply I got it from the gateway

"I'm not security bro".

This changes things, the vox drags me to cargo, where a cult conversion rune awaits. I play it cool, ask them if they are going to convert me (A cargo technician showed up, I assumed correctly he was also cult). As they place me on the rune (unrestrained, with a mind-shield remember), I bust out the stun baton, beat them both down, take a few steps back and magdump into the vox. The technician loiters at the warehouse blastdoor as I empty my mag, before charging me with a welder. Harmbaton vs welder. Harmbaton eventually wins. As I took a sidestep to flank him in cargobay as we fought, I passed out, getting one last hit in on him. He collapses right after me. I start to fade (Remember, my lungs have been punctured this entire time with IB). I manage to outlast the technician and the round end before finally dying an unsung hero. The round end screen pops up, turns out I had just robusted and killed the last two cultists in the game.

 

It was a good shift.

Edited by Triiodine
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